Young people in society

Provided by the Professional Order of Social Workers of Québec (Ordre professionnel des travailleurs sociaux du Québec), these articles are intended to help you deal with everyday life. They could also help you help a friend!

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Non-violent communication

By Stéphane Richard, Social Worker

Since I work as a social worker in a school, I often see young people and adults with communication issues. Allow me to tell you about a very useful tool to create or maintain a space for dialogue between you and your friends or between you and your parents. This tool was developed by Marshall B. Rosenberg¹.

The four phases of non-violent communication (NVC)

• Observation
  When you're calm, you can observe what things other people can say or do to make you comfortable or uncomfortable. It is important to state the facts, in other words the observed actions or words without making any judgment or evaluation. In this first phase, do not put the other person down with your evaluation or judgment, so as to preserve an open, non-violent space.

• Example of an observed fact to be identified at this phase: your roommate enters your room without knocking.

• Feelings
  Ask yourself how you feel: are you sad, cheerful, worried, entertained or angry? Then when you are ready, simply say how you feel to the other person.

• Example: when you walk into my room without knocking, I get angry.

• Needs
  Now you need to identify and express the need that is the basis for your feelings. Most of the time, when you have strong feelings like anger or sadness, it's a sign that you have an unfulfilled need. This is often the most difficult phase, but it is essential.

• Using the same example: when you walk into my room without knocking, I get angry, because I feel that my need for privacy is not being respected (3rd phase).

• Requests
  In this final phase, your task is to make a specific request that is concrete and as realistic as possible (measurable and defined by a timeline). You need to tell the other person what you would like to happen for your life to be more pleasant. It is very important to not provoke the other person when making this request. When I say "provoke" I mean using sarcasm or hints to make your request. You need to be clear and direct.

• Using the same example: when you walk into my room without knocking, I get angry, because I feel that my need for privacy is not being respected. I ask that you knock on my door before entering. If you like, I could lock my door when I need privacy to remind you of my need if you happen to forget. What do you think (4th phase)?

There are two vital attitudes in non-violent communication: sincerity in expressing yourself and attentiveness to the other person so you can hear the 4 dimensions of what is being said: observation, feelings, needs, requests.

A summary of non-violent communication:

• I say what I observe, feel and want, and what you request for your own well-being
• I hear what you observe, feel and want, and what you request for your own well-being

Non-violent communication is quite a challenge. At the beginning it can be hard to adapt to and feel comfortable with this new way of communicating - like the first time you drive a car. Don't give up, because many young adults like yourself have used NVC and seen their relationships with family and friends change permanently. Someone told me once that he had understood that when you practice NVC, it's not what happens that matters, but it's what you decide to do about what happens.

Bibliography

1. Marshall B. Rosenberg, Words are Windows or they are Walls, introduction to Non-Violent Communication, PuddleDancer Press; 2nd edition (September 1, 2003). 248 pages.
2. Thomas D'ansembourg, Cessez d'être gentil soyez vrai!, les Éditions de l'Homme, Québec, 2001, 249 pages.

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